Meaningless chilly-ass Saturday ramble

When I finally convinced myself to roll out of bed this morning, I entered my usual Saturday morning routine: coffee, breakfast, newspaper. Except it was yesterday's newspaper because it was too bloody cold out to walk down to Macs to get today's paper. Had I left the house, I also could have picked up more margarine, 'cause I was out. But I didn't, which meant that I was left to two options for my toast: a little bit of old "diet" Becel margarine or hard butter. Have you ever put "diet" margarine on toast? That crap is 99% water. There's no way I'm eating soggy toast again, so I had no choice but to use butter, which meant cutting off a pad and chopping it up into little pieces, then strategically placing the little pieces around the toast so that I get a little bit in each bite, because you know there's no way that shit is ever going to spread. If I tried to do that, I would end up with a piece of shredded toast with a big chunk of butter in one corner. Anyhow, like I was saying, diet food is crap. That is just about without exception. Diet salad dressing? Watery crap. Diet soda? Yuk. Diet is essentially a euphamism for "watered-down, tastless crap". But by far the stupidest diet products out there are the "slim" chocolate bars. Want to indulge your chocolate cravings for only 99 calories? Now you have the option of buying a chocolate bar that's as thin as a piece of paper. You know what? I've got a better idea. Buy a regular chocolate bar, break off one piece for yourself, and give the rest to some homeless dude on the street who doesn't have enough calories in his system to shiver in this chilly-ass weather.