Christmas Giving

As I sit here watching the nutmeg slowly spread across the surface of my eggnog, like the stars of a tiny creamy delicious universe, I think about Christmas, and family, and giving, and what the fuck are sugar plums anyhow?

In the spirit of giving, I will share with you the gifts that I plan to give this Christmas:

To Manitoba Premier Greg Selinger, I give a magic set that shows you how to make a playing card disappear, and also how to make a $600 million deficit look like a balanced budget.

To Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz, I give a toy helicopter and bendy-bus to play with at home. Uh oh! Look! The bus has been stolen by a level 18 car thief! MRRRRRUMMM BRRRRRR BRRRR, SREEEEECH! MRRRRRRRRUMMMM. Call off the car chase! It's too dangerous -- he's going over 70 km/hr! MRRRAAAUUUMMM. Deploy the helicopter! WHUUUUMP WHUUMP WHUMP WHUMPAWUMPAWUMPA WUPWUPWUPWUPWUP WEEEOOOOO WEEEOOOO WEEEOOOO There he is! Get in close! MRRRRUUUUMMM ... WUPWUPWUPWUP .... Oh no, he's heading for the IKEA rapid transit depot! We have to stop him! WUPWUPWUP Activate the tractor beam! OOOOOUUUUUAAAAOOOOUUUAAA Yay! We got him!

Coach Mike Kelly I have enrolled in an internet course to learn how to be a Dental Assistant, but he can change it to any number of exciting career options, like Computer Repair Technician! Gemologist! Early Childhood Education Specialist! PR Consultant!

To PM Stephen Harper I give a portable video player, so that he can watch himself sing and play piano where ever he goes, and admire how much more human he looks than all the other androids.

To Michael Ignatieff I give an AssMaster 5000 vibrating dildo. (What? That's what he asked for.)

To Jack Layton I give an AssMaster 5000 vibrating dildo. (They had a 2 for 1 deal.)

To David Suzuki I give a plastic bag filled with oil sand. Just because I'm a dick.

... and to my loyal readers: I give you my thanks and best wishes for a Merry Christmas and joyful holiday season! (Sorry, my dildo budget is maxed out.)