Tuesday 3 September 2013

Diagnose your health problems using beer.

More people are turning to the internet for self-diagnosis of health problems. This is one of the great benefits of the technological marvel that is the world wide web, and not only do I fully support it but I wish to contribute myself.

This is why I am sharing a system I developed to accurately pin-point your health problems using a cheap and easily accessible tool: BEER.

This is how it works: your body is a complex mechanism that processes inputs to generate energy and provide the nutrients that your body needs to operate, while expelling anything that is not needed. If your body is not operating effectively, it will expel more of one thing or less of another, and there will be tell-tale signs of this in the colour of your pee. Stick with me here ...

To take advantage of this underrated bodily function, I have developed the Perfect Urine Beer Scale (PUBS). Using PUBS, you can tell what ails you simply by comparing the colour of your pee to the colour of an ale from your local beer store.

The PUBS© diagnosis

If your pee looks like: COORS LIGHT

: The pale colour indicates that you are lacking vitamins and minerals in your diet. Go buy yourself some fruits and vegetables for a change. If your diet consists mainly of Coors Light and empty carbs, your urine will look like Coors Light. Coincidentally, your pee and Coors Light also probably taste the same.

If your pee looks like: KOKANEE

Diagnosis: You are healthy. This is a normal colour, which means that your body is operating normally so you can cancel your doctor's appointment. There is no need for you to waste his time and yours with a needless check-up when you can tell just by looking in the toilet bowl that you're in perfect health.

If your pee looks like: RICKARD'S RED

Diagnosis: The red tinge is a result of blood in your urine. You had better sit down for this part ... you are dying of cancer. If you haven't caught it by the time you start to pee blood then it is probably way too late. You shouldn't have cancelled that doctor's appointment last year. What were you thinking?


If your pee looks like: SLEEMAN HONEY BROWN

Diagnosis: This is darker than normal which indicates that you are dehydrated. The solution is to drink more fluids. No, NO, not BEER. I mean something besides beer. Get a glass of water or juice or something like that.

If your pee looks like: NEWCASTLE

Diagnosis: You are extremely dehydrated. What the hell were you doing? Never mind ... just find a cool room, perhaps a rec room in the basement, drink water and keep drinking until your pee returns to normal. Do it now, before you pass out and require an IV drip.

If you pee looks like: HOEGAARDEN

Diagnosis: The cloudy appearance is due to a kidney infection called pyelonephritis. It sounds bad, but don't worry, it is treatable with antibiotics although severe cases may require hospitalization.

Or you may have cataracts. Better get your eyes checked too.

If your pee looks like: GUINNESS

Diagnosis: You are a zombie. That is all you need to know.

Disclaimer: The accuracy of the PUBS© diagnosis may be compromised by eating Doritos chips with artificial colouring, especially Spicy Chipotle BBQ. Also, everything else may be grievously incorrect.


unclebob said...

If your colour is roughly the same as Hamm's beer (4.7%)you should be checked for liver disease because the price of it will make you drink a little extra. A case of thirty cans was going for $12.49 this week in Michigan. As well,when you see that price, your own specimens may seem a little more green possibly from envy.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that's rich! Thanks for this! - Guy that drinks a lot of beer.

Anonymous said...

Although clever and entertaining, your concept is somewhat flawed and misleading. For example, blood in your urine does not absolutley indicate you have cancer, it does indicate, however, that something is very wrong - I have personal experience with this. Please see the link below to a Dr. Oz show on pee. http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/how-read-your-pee

cherenkov said...

Bob: Have fun in Michigan. Couldn't afford to go to New York?

Anon1: Thanks! - Guy who also drinks a lot of beer.

Anon2: I updated my disclaimer.

Marko said...

Do Zombies actually crap and pee?

cherenkov said...

They have to. They eat people. If they didn't crap or pee they would get really fat because the food has nowhere else to go. Ever notice how zombies are always thin?

Unknown said...

Michigan is depressed. Things are cheap. I am from Winnipeg. I understand cheap.

Anonymous said...

How irresponsible of you to publish such nonsense! Everyone knows that if your pee comes out looking like Guinness and you still have the presence of mind to "Google it", it's possible you haven't completely "turned" yet.

Do yourself (and humanity) a favour and grab the nearest rusty blade and stop the infection from spreading to the rest of your body. Tip: I've heard zip-ties and steel insulated doors work too.

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