Friday, 26 March 2010

Health, wellness, and blasphemy

I am feeling very confined. My wife has banished me to the office, forcing me to kill time by writing on this stupid blog. I suppose I could be doing my taxes, but on a Friday night? No. I don't think so. I started drinking three hours ago already.

The "man" is also beating me down. The man being the government of our province. First, they approve a $260 million dollar bird-killing factory, which has caused the me to lose sleep. Poor little feathery creatures. Then, they submitted a budget that spends $5 billion on health care, yet still doesn't cover the experimental treatment for keeping my finger nails from growing so fast. And now, this. Come on, man. Don't make me take off my copper underwear! It gives me the support I need, and only recently broke in to fit me perfectly!

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On another note, I shall give you some health advice, because I am an expert. I am an expert because I say I am, and because I have a master's degree*.

Drink. Specifically, drink the following:

A glass of red wine, to lower your cholesterol, followed up by a pint of ale to make your bones strong:
A beer a day could keep brittle bones at bay. That's because beer is rich in silicon, an element that has been linked to bone health. But what type of beer should you drink? ... lighter-coloured beers made from pale malted barley and hops, such as pale ales, are richest in silicon, while low-alcohol beers contain the least, along with stouts, porters and wheat beers.
But don't put away the stout just yet! You need that too to prevent heart attacks.

Feeling good yet? Good. But you're not done: you also need to grab six or more cups of coffee to keep yourself alert and also prevent Parkinson's disease, diabetes and cancer.

That's my typical morning anyways so I should be doing OK, except for those damn fingernails.

*in economics.

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If you're into blasphemy, these guys might be for you ... I found out about them here and had to check them out, from curiosity. This music isn't really my bag, but the song gets better as it goes on. You can pick up some influences from Metallica, and Avril Lavigne. That last one might be my imagination.

7 comments:

Fat Arse said...

"...beer is rich in silicon, an element that has been linked to bone health."

Aha! I knew it! Can't wait to tell my spouse about yet another benefit linked to barley consumption. No wonder I have the strongest bones (err, thickest skull) in the world... knew there had to a reason.

DriveGoddess said...

Oh baby....now you are talking my language....one needs fuel sometimes to foment certain thoughts like the sexiness of Glen Beck's lips? hahhaha....shit, I was sober when I wrote that! Hahahahaha!

cherenkov said...

You were sober when you wrote that? Geeze. I have to say, DG, that post disturbed me just a little bit!

DriveGoddess said...

Hahahahahaha.....yeah, the sick and twisted things a writer gets up to in the playground of their imagination. Do not worry, I have no real desire for Glenn Beck....was kinda thinking the old twisting of the tables on some of the tired sexist rhetoric one hears from these twits....guess it was my turn to be a bit of a chauvinist.

Me so evil.....good thing the BF has nice lips. Hahahahahha! BTW, almost time for a drink!

Shaun M. Wheeler said...

Drinking keeps you healthy?

Wow, good thing I restocked my liquor cabinet... I'm gonna live forever as a booze-fueled superman!

DriveGoddess said...

Yeah, from what I have observed with my one eye, Mr. Wheeler does have nice lips too....muahahahaha

Unapologetic Ex-Winnipegger said...

You are officially no longer entitled to razz me about Alcatrazz! On the plus side, it's good to see death metal fans have something that is 0.0000001% more melodic than Cannibal Corpse...

I'm going to have to spin some Information Society to cleanse my palette!

 
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